Holy cow, it’s March!!
Somehow I have managed to go 4 1/2 months since blogging. What the heck?! While logging into the site, I honestly contemplated what to do with it. It’s a compilation of several years’ worth of my thoughts, musings, pictures, and a heck of a lot of brutally honest frustrations.
It’s a lot of work. But it’s also a good outlet.
When thinking back over the past 4 1/2 months, it’s hard to pinpoint one particular topic to blog about. We’ve had so much happen in this season of snow, cold, dreariness, and frozen bones (yes, I’m not a fan of winter & I think it freezes me from the inside out 😉 ).
But then it hit me.
If there is one resounding theme from this blog, it would be change. Having served & worked in church ministry for several years, and worked with the general public in healthcare, there’s one thing I have learned.
People don’t like change.
It’s strange, it’s uncomfortable, it can be threatening and unnerving. Change forces us to relinquish some aspect of control and step out of what is comfortable, familiar, and safe.
If there’s another thing I’ve learned, it’s that change can be good. Even if we don’t realize it at first, or until hindsight (you know it’s 20/20, right?). It’s good for us.
Graham & I, along with the girls, have been through quite a bit of change in the past few years, and while I’ve entered some of those changes kicking & screaming, very unwillingly, I have emerged on the other side of it able to see the hand of my Father at work the entire time.
One of the changes I’ve fought hard on these past few months, and finally resigned myself to, is that of obtaining a wheelchair for Zoe. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that yes, sometimes it still stings when I hear about other folks’ kids taking their first steps, or when their child can climb in and out of a vehicle independently, or I see them out, so easily, so fluidly….walking.
I have slowly came to the realization that Zoe may never be a walker. I don’t know. In those first few years, I was convinced that yes, she would be. We would pursue enough physical therapy, put in enough work at home, do everything the therapists told us to do.
And it would work.
Finally, I am at the point where I am realizing God may have another plan for Zoe. And sometimes it’s hard to not question why He does not allow her progress to move the way I think it should. I know He is good, He is holy, and He is sovereign. And now, I find my perspective changing. I find myself increasingly becoming okay with the concept that if Zoe never takes an independent step on her own, it does not mean I have failed. In fact, it may mean the opposite. Mobility is mobility…whether it involves one’s own legs, or artificial legs, plastic braces, or wheels.
Walking isn’t everything.
So, in the past 4 1/2 months since I have logged into this site and penned out my thoughts, we have ordered a chair. Wheels.
And I gotta say, I can’t WAIT! I have probably called the company weekly to see when this thing will arrive. It’s pink. It’s cute. It’s embroidered (yes–and heck, we will probably attach Thirty-One bags and lots of other cuteness to this thing ;)). We’ve discussed all the cool things she can do in this chair. Wheelies. Wheelchair races. In fact, Graham & I are planning to participate in a Girls’ on the Run event in spring and Zoe can wheel in her chair 🙂
To see Zoe’s face when she realizes that now SHE is in control of where she goes….that will make it all worthwhile.
Tell me that’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen! And no, this isn’t her chair, just a model. Hers is going to be so stinkin’ cute…I may need to devote an entire blog post to it 😉
In other news, I chopped off my hair since I was here 4 1/2 months ago.
Cutting my hair super short is something I have always wanted to do. As a teenager, I remember my mom always telling me “you should cut your hair short! You could do it!” I never believed her. Appearance was always something I hid behind. And it was physically easier to hide when you had long hair. A distraction of sorts.
Well, in my learning to love change, I grew tired of always being too afraid to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. Life is too short for that. My one resolution is to make it to the end of my life, and not look back and say “I wish I would’ve done ___.” I want no regrets.
So…I chopped it all off. And why not? It’ll grow back. I’m sure I will enter a cycle of cutting it, growing it, cutting it again. It’s fun. And freeing.
It’s funny to see folks’ reactions to change. I’ve been told I’m “going to hell,” and that “well, it’ll grow back.” Overwhelming I have received positive remarks. My response is, I didn’t do it for anyone else. Just me. I’ve spent too much time being afraid of change, afraid of being uncomfortable, of playing it safe.
I’m done with that.
My sweet Lord has changed so much in my life for good, but I would be re-miss to say that a small minority of the changes we have had the past few months have been tough.
In February, the day before Valentine’s Day, we lost our sweet kitty Sam.
When Graham & I married (almost eight months ago now!!), we brought lots of things into our new marriage…kids, material possessions….and cats. Sam & Calla were our “divorce kitties” we each obtained in our divorce process. They snuggled with us on those dark nights, in a cold bed when we felt alone. So much of that dark time for each of us feels like a million miles away.
But we brought our new family together and the cats became best friends.
We didn’t realize how old Sam was. He was adopted as an adult, and we knew little about his background. He found his forever home with us and in our hearts, and although we have dealt with the change of getting used to life without him, I am so thankful he was at peace in our home when he passed away.
Overall, in spite of the cold weather, the nasty, muddy car covered in salt and slush, the school cancellations, the chauffering kids to and fro, the managing of our family’s household, etc…this has been an incredible season of change & blessing for both Graham & myself. There are many days where we ask each other, is this even for real? Is this really what our life is now? It is still mind-blowing to the both of us the GOOD that God has created out of our lives.
All the change we went through….good and bad…all worth it.
On the days when life throws curveballs, when our schedules get hectic, when my car gets stuck unexpectedly in mud and my husband has to come dig me out, when our kiddos spike fevers and we have stomach bugs ravage our household and we have to rearrange plans, when change creeps into my otherwise tightly scheduled plans with my to-do lists and cell phone reminders, I think back to all God has done in our lives, and remind myself that it’s ok.
He is good. Change is good. And I need to leave room in MY plans for Him to interrupt them with HIS.
And I’m thankful that HE never changes.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17