Disclaimer: Normally I try to remain positive & keep a good attitude, no matter what the circumstances may be. I fully realize I have been blessed WAY beyond what I deserve and that no matter how bad things look, I have every reason in the world to be thankful for all God has given me. So I try to remain positive.
Sometimes it is just impossible to always be positive.
Today is one of those days.
One of those days where I allow myself to dwell on all the things I try to not think about. Like the fact that Zoe is three and still not walking. This ways more heavily on me than anything. You would think after three years I would be a pro at all things spina bifida. I love that sweet baby & all that she is 🙂 Her smile makes me smile on even the worst of days (if you don’t believe me, go to my facebook page & watch the video I posted yesterday. You’ll smile ;)).
But I carry around the weight of the world sometimes, or at least it feels that way. My heart hurts for my baby. Yes–I am incredibly proud of how she has touched this world already–she has been in the news, on magazine covers, we’ve done interviews and been in seminars…but there is still a part of every momma’s heart that does not want her baby to hurt. For anything. I want to put her in a bubble and protect her from everything negative that could ever come her way.
I want her to walk without her knees giving out every few seconds. Without equipment, and braces. And the “God only gives special kids to special parents” kind of jargon I hear all the time. Maybe that’s true, but sure isn’t speeding up our progress. I want to go to bed at night and not worry that if she never walks, it will be my fault for not working with her enough. For spending more time in the day working my job rather than working with her. All the what-if’s that weigh my heart down so much until one day, all the cheeriness dissolves into negativity.
And yes, I know one day she may read this, but she will have her own days of not liking spina bifida, or the world very much. So I think it’s probably good that she knows her momma struggles too 🙂
Some days I get angry still over the divorce. And I think, why couldn’t God have just put me with Graham from the start? Why do I have to carry around this past, these fears, these hurts, like dragging around a ton of baggage everywhere I go? Why do I have to send in court papers & divorce decrees for KINDERGARTEN REGISTRATION?? It hurts me that even at this young age my kiddos have seen hurt, they have seen me cry (although on very few occasions–I can hide it well!), and they have learned so early that life isn’t easy or pretty always. How much more hurt will they have to endure?
And then I think those three words…IT’S NOT FAIR.
Sometimes just the mere act of typing all this out feels like the weight of the world has been lifted on my shoulders. Amazing how that happens.
But I don’t want what’s FAIR.
FAIR would mean I wouldn’t be gaining a husband, or that I would have a whole new appreciation for special needs, and disabilities, and perseverance. I wouldn’t know how to fight for my kiddos. I wouldn’t know how to help my patients navigate the world of medical waivers because I would have never been through it myself. I wouldn’t appreciate the importance of complete honesty and openness in a marriage. Or understand the meaning of “everything on the table.” I would not appreciate a relationship with no secrets. Or be thankful my kids are strong.
I wouldn’t have seen the Lord pull me through the messes He has.
I wouldn’t know His goodness like I do now.
I wouldn’t know how much I need Him. I would rely on myself and be satisfied with this.
I wouldn’t know how HE can make ALL things new.
Those things alone are worth it. So I am typing this as a reminder to myself. For the bad days when I am angry, or bitter, or afraid. That I will go back and remember this.
I have truly seen how good God is, in the best of times & the worst of times.
So I don’t want what’s FAIR.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.