never say won’t

If there is one thing I have learned in my 32 years, it’s never tell God you won’t do something.

“I’ll never be a nurse.” (Me: age 16, when contemplating my future career choices).

“I want to have a baby, & I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl. As long as it’s healthy.” (The very naïve me: age 27).

“I won’t ever get divorced. I was raised in a Christian home and you don’t do that.” (The very naïve me again, thinking I alone had the power to save my marriage).

“I will never get re-married. I just won’t. I am fine on my own; I can take care of myself.” (The very stubborn, scared, 31 year old me who had herself convinced she would willingly be the old lady living in a cul-de-sac somewhere with 100 cats for companions).

I was wrong about each of those things. Like, 100% dead wrong.

I am now a nurse practitioner (with the world’s best job. Just sayin’ 😉 ).

I am a mom to a child who wasn’t born “healthy” in the world’s very subjective definition of the term “health.” And who is our amazing little cover girl (so to those who question “quality of life,” there’s that 😉 )…

cover

The Lord sweetly walked beside me through a divorce (which, thankfully wasn’t nasty, or mess, or long & drawn out).

And He brought an amazing man into mine & my girls’ lives. I wouldn’t believe it if it weren’t true.

It’s easy to present yourself on social media as having your life put together. Even through the hard times. What people don’t post for the world to see are the hard times. The times your heart feels like it’s being ripped into shreds. The times when, alone in your car,  you let the tears come & you cry out to God to show Himself and fix the mess you don’t want to be in. And yes, you know deep down He IS in the process of fixing it, but the outcome is going to look way different than you ever imagined.

That outcome looks like a divorce papers. Or lonely nights alone in your bed. Or looking through old photos & remembering what your life used to look like. Surgeries. Unexpected phone calls.

Pain.

But then sometimes, something happens & the tide turns. That “different” outcome God is creating starts to look a little better perhaps than what you could’ve created yourself. That yes, it is way more painful than you would’ve liked, but you start to recognize that maybe, just maybe you are becoming better for having been through it.

And then you start to actually become thankful for the painful times. Because without those, you wouldn’t know good times when they come. And you sure as heck wouldn’t appreciate them the way you do.

Yes, it would probably be easier to just stay single. Bury all the hurts & scars and pretend they don’t exist. Remarriage isn’t a “slapping a bandaid over the hurt.” If anything, I think it’s probably more like “ripping the bandaid off a wound.” When you choose to share your life with someone, you get all of them. The good AND the bad.

And the past. The scars. The bruises. And goodness knows, Graham & I have enough of those 😛

But’s that’s okay. Because we all are broken people in a broken world.

On February 8th, this most amazing man asked me to marry him. And not to just live in that “happily-ever-after” but to walk this journey with him in the happily ever after and also the not-so-happily ever after. To celebrate the good times, the successes, the highs, and to be thankful for them. And yet, to share the hard days, those times we each have that no one else other than each other could possibly understand. To lift each other up in constant prayer, to rip the bandages off our past wounds & be vulnerable with each other. Which is incredibly hard to do sometimes, but little by little we are getting the hang of it.

I am so incredibly undeserving of this life. And this journey. Wow. To think of how far God has brought me literally blows my mind sometimes. He is amazing. He has given me everything I never knew I wanted or needed.

My career. My girls…and yes, spina bifida. All that I learned in walking through divorce (make no mistake–I still don’t believe divorce is in His plan–but I believe He chose to work His plan out in my life in SPITE of my divorce!).

And now He has given me an incredible fiancé that I am beyond blessed to share my life with. We’re just a little excited…if you can’t tell from the looks on our faces 😉

proposal

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One thought on “never say won’t

  1. This is just what I needed to read at this point in my life and it is ironic how even though we have taken different paths leading in different directions, the path leads just where I truly believe God had planned for each of us and YES, even using the darkness to show that there is light in HIM. I am so Thankful that GOD chose me to walk in my own path, for the Glory he has shown me is beyond any words that I know. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life as my walk with God is more than I could ever imagine. Sending you both the BEST of the BEST thoughts and prayers for your success in each and every step you take. Praise the Lord for all of his mighty works that we don’t understand but are willing to surrender all to HIM.

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