Every day I sign my name & date on prescriptions for patients. I am so accustomed to it that I never pay it much thought.
Except today for some reason.
It hit me that it’s October. October is always a bittersweet month for me. For one, it is my sweetest Zoe’s birthday. It is also the anniversary of when I began my journey with her and with spina bifida. It is also the anniversary of when I lost my dad. This year makes 13 years ago when I was 19 and a freshman in college.
It also hit me that I turn 32 next month. Eight years away from 40. Holy cow.
All of these realizations brought back to my attention that my life is no where near what or where I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong–I am in a MUCH (repeat–MUCH!) better place than I was last winter. In fact–I am finally at the point where I can honestly say I would not change my circumstances. It was what had to be. I am thankful for how God is molding me and even though I don’t know the entire outcome, I am learning to trust His plan.
But how do you take away or dull the sting of the past?
How do you forget that your plan was to be happily married with a husband who was crazy in love with you and vice versa? That you wanted to be someone’s everything and him be yours? But when it came down to it, you realize none of it was reality.
How do you dull the sting of the memories of where your child spent her first week of life, and rid yourself of how bad it felt to hand her over to the surgeons time after time?
How do you force yourself to look at Halloween as the awesome holiday it is-dressing up (which I love and my costume is awesome this year, btw 😉 ), trick-or-treating, candy…instead of being overshadowed by the memory of where you were that morning in a college dorm when you were told the news about your beloved daddy?
How do you stop wanting to ball your hands into fists, throw them down like a child having a temper tantrum (which Faith is EXCELLENT at 😉 ), and ask God when is it enough? Why? What are You doing?
How do you re-learn how to trust again? How do you allow yourself to accept the risk of getting hurt when you know all too well how that feels and you don’t want to ever feel like that again?
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t spend all my time throwing a self-made pity party drowning my sorrows. In fact, all of those circumstances above I wouldn’t change. Because I lost my dad, I got an amazing step-dad. The best of the best. Because of my sweet Zoe, well, there are countless ways I have been changed for the better. She is an amazing gift despite the hardship of our journey. And as a result of my unforeseen divorce? Well, that is a work in progress but I am for certain it is for the best and that our gracious Lord is creating a beautiful work out of a broken mess 🙂
But still…when the house is quiet, empty, or dark, and you sit in the silence, sometimes it’s hard to keep your mind from wandering.
Tonight I have been plundering through the scriptures. My mind feels as if it has been all over the place lately and I am searching for peace. For reassurance. I ran across these verses and they are so true!
Bless our God, O’ peoples! Give Him a thunderous welcome! Didn’t He set us on the road to life? Didn’t He keep us out of the ditch? He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires, brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit, road-tested us inside & out, took us to hell and back; finally he brought us to this well-watered place.
I am thankful to have found this verse. Because I feel like this is exactly what He has done in my life. Perhaps all of the past WAS training. I was not the woman I needed to be for NOW. Refining fires aren’t meant to be fun, you know. I do feel I have been pushed to my limit (maybe beyond 😉 ), road-tested, been to hell and back. But what I love is the last part of that verse—“…FINALLY he brought us to this well-watered place.”
I pray I can stay in this well-watered place. Don’t we all? Who wants to volunteer for crappy life situations to happen to them? Not me. I wouldn’t have willingly chosen to lose my daddy, have my child be born with spina bifida, and find myself divorced by age 31. Geez. But I also know that my goal in life is not to sit in my comfy perfect life twiddling my thumbs until I die. Nope. I want my life to count. I want to be used up. Poured out. So I suppose this is part of it. I don’t want my life to end and regret that I wasted it.
I love this quote and I have it pinned up in my kitchen. And yeah, I have to remind myself of it quite often. Especially on nights like tonight when honestly, I just get a bit ticked off at my circumstances & I am tempted to once again tell God that it’s not fair. But really, I don’t want what’s FAIR. He is giving me way more than I deserve…
But this I do know: There is a depth of intimacy with God that can only be known through suffering. There is a reliance on Him that can only be experienced when everything else in my soul seems to give way. And if that’s what it takes to make this stubborn child cling to that old rugged cross, you can have your prosperity. I’d rather have Jesus.