i never learn…late night musings

Yep. It’s midnight. And I am awake. No, I don’t have insomnia, nor am I depressed, or sad. In fact, life is pretty much the opposite these days. I am just burning the midnight oil with the things I muse over in my mind at the most random of times.

I have decided I am either very motivated & like a challenge, or I am a glutton for punishment. I have signed up for not one, but two half marathons in 2014. One month apart.

Yes, folks, if you combine that mileage, you get marathon mileage. I am going to run 26.2 miles in 2014.

Right now, I run 3.1. And not quickly at that 😉

Signing up for these half marathons and as I have started trying to (slowly!) increase my mileage, I am realizing something about myself.

I beat myself up.

Not just literally, as in, cramping calves & sore shins. But I beat myself up mentally. If I intended to run a 1/2 mile longer today and I don’t, I am not happy with ME. If I intend to get up 30 minutes earlier and I don’t, my day starts off unpleasantly.

I am realizing I do this in every aspect of my life. And yes, I realize the majority of the population out in the world doesn’t post about their flaws on social media for everyone to see. But I keep reminding myself, this blog is so that one day my girls can look back at our journey of their earliest years. And I don’t want to mistakenly lead them to believe that life is always sunshine & rainbows. Because that’s not real. I want them to learn to love the Lord in both the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY.

So yeah, I am pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I should be able to run as far as I want, eat whatever I want, keep my house (& my kids 😉 ) spotless, have all my patients love me, and basically just sparkle glitter everywhere I go.

Well, that doesn’t happen.

If it were anyone else, I know what I’d say. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Well, that’s all fine & dandy, but how you make yourself take your own advice?

How do I stop feeling guilty over my parenting decisions, how little time I feel like I have at the end of the day for my ladies? How do I stop beating myself up every time I’m late, gain a pound, have a bad run day, or eat ice cream? And is the fact that I am so hard on myself an indication of an inner selfishness that I need to remedy? Because now that I look at it, all of these things are centered around, what else?


Maybe that is my answer actually. And maybe it’s a good thing that I stayed up late, and typed this up. Because until I actually put it down on the proverbial paper, I hadn’t put it together that it directed back at ME. And I should be focused not so much on myself, but on others. I should allow myself the same grace that I would so freely give to another. If the God of the universe accepts me, heck, created me just as I am, then why do I tear myself down every time I fall short of my own self-made expectations? Why do I feel I have to strive for perfection, otherwise, I am not good enough, successful enough, skinny enough, etc.?

Am I the only one who does this? Surely not. And I have no easy answers on fixing it, except to learn how to give myself the grace & freedom to struggle (& fail sometimes!) that my sweet Redeemer has given me.

Speaking of struggling, I heard this song on the radio the other day, and I love it. We ARE free to struggle, but thank God we are not struggling for freedom. We already have that in HIM.


One thought on “i never learn…late night musings

  1. I totally understand where you are coming from Hilary! I am my own worse enemy & have strived too hard to be a perfectionist and in control of everything in my life.
    Until I was blessed with our granddaughter Zoe almost 3 1/2 yrs. ago did I learn to be “easier” on me. No longer do I worry if there are dishes in the sink, if I didn’t get all the things done in the house that I wanted to do on a particular day, if I gained a lb. or 2 or 3, if my hair didn’t go the way I wanted but the way the curls decided to go, and no longer do I feel guilty if everyone doesn’t like me. I am who I am. God knows my heart and made me the way He wants me. He loves me in spite of my flaws and imperfections, & I am learning to love and even like myself better, too! Asking Him to guide me, correct me, and forgive me when I fail to do what He wants, I pray that I truly please Him in all areas of my life.
    Now, I am blessed with another grandchild who is almost 3 mths. old. Finn doesn’t care if Nanny has coffee breath, hasn’t fixed her hair, has no make up on, or is still in her p.j.’s.; he loves me regardless.
    And this is the way we should be; see the world with the eyes of a child.
    You’re a smart lady and a wonderful mother. You strive to please God in all areas of your life. You are truly blessed!
    So excited as to what God has in store for your life! I truly believe that the BEST is yet to come for you and your precious girls ❤

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