i never learn…late night musings

Yep. It’s midnight. And I am awake. No, I don’t have insomnia, nor am I depressed, or sad. In fact, life is pretty much the opposite these days. I am just burning the midnight oil with the things I muse over in my mind at the most random of times.

I have decided I am either very motivated & like a challenge, or I am a glutton for punishment. I have signed up for not one, but two half marathons in 2014. One month apart.

Yes, folks, if you combine that mileage, you get marathon mileage. I am going to run 26.2 miles in 2014.

Right now, I run 3.1. And not quickly at that 😉

Signing up for these half marathons and as I have started trying to (slowly!) increase my mileage, I am realizing something about myself.

I beat myself up.

Not just literally, as in, cramping calves & sore shins. But I beat myself up mentally. If I intended to run a 1/2 mile longer today and I don’t, I am not happy with ME. If I intend to get up 30 minutes earlier and I don’t, my day starts off unpleasantly.

I am realizing I do this in every aspect of my life. And yes, I realize the majority of the population out in the world doesn’t post about their flaws on social media for everyone to see. But I keep reminding myself, this blog is so that one day my girls can look back at our journey of their earliest years. And I don’t want to mistakenly lead them to believe that life is always sunshine & rainbows. Because that’s not real. I want them to learn to love the Lord in both the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY.

So yeah, I am pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I should be able to run as far as I want, eat whatever I want, keep my house (& my kids 😉 ) spotless, have all my patients love me, and basically just sparkle glitter everywhere I go.

Well, that doesn’t happen.

If it were anyone else, I know what I’d say. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Well, that’s all fine & dandy, but how you make yourself take your own advice?

How do I stop feeling guilty over my parenting decisions, how little time I feel like I have at the end of the day for my ladies? How do I stop beating myself up every time I’m late, gain a pound, have a bad run day, or eat ice cream? And is the fact that I am so hard on myself an indication of an inner selfishness that I need to remedy? Because now that I look at it, all of these things are centered around, what else?

ME.

Maybe that is my answer actually. And maybe it’s a good thing that I stayed up late, and typed this up. Because until I actually put it down on the proverbial paper, I hadn’t put it together that it directed back at ME. And I should be focused not so much on myself, but on others. I should allow myself the same grace that I would so freely give to another. If the God of the universe accepts me, heck, created me just as I am, then why do I tear myself down every time I fall short of my own self-made expectations? Why do I feel I have to strive for perfection, otherwise, I am not good enough, successful enough, skinny enough, etc.?

Am I the only one who does this? Surely not. And I have no easy answers on fixing it, except to learn how to give myself the grace & freedom to struggle (& fail sometimes!) that my sweet Redeemer has given me.

Speaking of struggling, I heard this song on the radio the other day, and I love it. We ARE free to struggle, but thank God we are not struggling for freedom. We already have that in HIM.

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One thought on “i never learn…late night musings

  1. I totally understand where you are coming from Hilary! I am my own worse enemy & have strived too hard to be a perfectionist and in control of everything in my life.
    Until I was blessed with our granddaughter Zoe almost 3 1/2 yrs. ago did I learn to be “easier” on me. No longer do I worry if there are dishes in the sink, if I didn’t get all the things done in the house that I wanted to do on a particular day, if I gained a lb. or 2 or 3, if my hair didn’t go the way I wanted but the way the curls decided to go, and no longer do I feel guilty if everyone doesn’t like me. I am who I am. God knows my heart and made me the way He wants me. He loves me in spite of my flaws and imperfections, & I am learning to love and even like myself better, too! Asking Him to guide me, correct me, and forgive me when I fail to do what He wants, I pray that I truly please Him in all areas of my life.
    Now, I am blessed with another grandchild who is almost 3 mths. old. Finn doesn’t care if Nanny has coffee breath, hasn’t fixed her hair, has no make up on, or is still in her p.j.’s.; he loves me regardless.
    And this is the way we should be; see the world with the eyes of a child.
    You’re a smart lady and a wonderful mother. You strive to please God in all areas of your life. You are truly blessed!
    So excited as to what God has in store for your life! I truly believe that the BEST is yet to come for you and your precious girls ❤

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