I often wonder when & why did I turn into such a night owl? Lately I could stay up late, and, although I feel like I want to sleep in, I never can. Which results in an endless cycle of always wishing I’d went to bed early, never actually doing that, downing lots of caffeinated beverages throughout the day, and repeating that cycle over and over.
But I can’t complain. Because I am in love with life right now.
There are so many amazing things going on in my life right now, that sometimes I feel like I should just pinch myself to make sure it’s all real. I am approaching seven months now post-separation/divorce. Which means it will be a year come & gone before I know it. And I feel like just a former shadow of who I USED to be. After having Zoe, & learning all the in’s & out’s of spina bifida, I felt like a better version of myself because of her and all we’d been through.
I am feeling that way again. A better version of myself.
Sometimes (when I get really bored!) I thumb through all my old photos on facebook. The ones YOU probably can’t see now because I’ve been trying to weed through them and pull out ones that don’t apply to my life anymore (i.e., wedding photos). Not deleting them, but it’s just kinda odd to keep ’em published on social media when that’s not your life anymore, you know?
It’s strange to look back at all those old photos, because it feels like I am looking at a completely different woman than the one I see in the mirror now. And I am not even really sure how to explain it. But I like it. I like me now. I like the fact that I have battle scars, and wounds, and yes, even some (gasp!) issues, but that’s okay, because that’s ME. And I think those things make me better than I was.
My focus lately has been to try to just pour as much of Jesus into myself as I can. I went through those first few dark months post-divorce in that dreaded dark tunnel of nothingness. I confess my kiddos lived off too much television and fast food and mommy wasn’t really into playing all that much. I thank the Lord every single day that He pulled me out of that pit a whole lot faster than I ever dreamed. I never want to go back there.
It finally hit me one day though, that just because my marriage was over, I was newly single, and moving to Lexington and basically starting from scratch, I still had a huge responsibility to raise my girls. And that just because I’d lived through some crappy circumstances did not mean the Lord was letting me off the hook to teach them about HIM. And that He was still good. And I thought one day, how am I supposed to pour into THEM, when there is nothing being poured into ME? If I am just an empty shell of my former self who pacifies her kiddos with tv and sweets, these days that sometimes feel like an eternity are going to be gone before I know it, and I will regret all of these missed opportunities.
And no, I never heard an audible voice from the Lord giving me any answers. It was more like a culmination of events & circumstances, and a newfound desire in my heart to find the love that I so desperately longed for but hadn’t been able to find in human relationships, in the only one who could fill that hole.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12
Today I took the girls to the park. It was an awesome day and I ate up every single minute we had there. I am learning the more I let Jesus, and other Christians, pour into me, the more I am able to pour into my kiddos. Because when your heart is full, there is no other option but for it to overflow. I want my girls to live in that overflow. I think we did that today 🙂
I refuse to allow myself to believe that just because my girls have had to go through some crazy hard circumstances at such a young age–that just because Zoe has went through multiple surgeries, rocks her way through countless therapies every week to get strong enough to do things most of us take for granted, that because Faith had learned what spina bifida is by age 2, or will have moved three times by the time our new house is finished being built, or sat patiently through Zoe’s therapy appts, and of course, they both have lived through divorce. I refuse to believe anything other than the fact that those things can help them grow into strong, compassionate, loving women someday. And that those things can be a part of an amazing testimony to just what an awesome God we serve.
And so for now, my prayer is that I let myself be filled up. So that they can have a momma who’s heart is FULL, not empty. Because God is doing some pretty amazing things in our lives. I know it.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19