Groundhog Day

Lately I feel like I am stuck in GroundHog Day. Doing the same things over and over. Not getting anywhere.

Most days I can handle having a child with spina bifida. I can multi-task. I can work an insurance company to get what my child needs. I am, yes, that pushy parent who probably drives our providers nuts with my questions & requests. I can handle lugging a 16-month old, a 2.5 year old, and all our gear to a therapy appointment.

Most days.

But lately, I want to get OUT of GroundHog Day. I want to see Zoe’s hard work pay off. And my hard work. And John’s hard work. We go through times where so much progress is made, and then we plateau off. For what seems like forever. And during those “forever” times, I start to wonder if we are aiming for impossible goals. That’s what I dislike about spina bifida. It’s all one big wait.and.see.

We’ve been patiently waiting, but I am ready for some SEEING 😉

Last night I was just in one of those funks. The “Go away spina bifida” funk. Where I am tired of getting up every day, making my child push herself and work so hard while also trying to maintain some sense of balance in our family between “typical kid” things and “therapy things.” That fine line all the parents of special needs kids walk between being parent and therapist.

Honestly, it was a pity party for myself, but hey, I figured I deserved it for at least one night 😉

I decided even though I was mad at the Lord last night for putting what seemed like such a heavy load on us to bear, I would read anyway. And of course, the way it always happens, I read the perfect verse. One I was not even familiar with…

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17, 18 NIV)
This was NOT the verse I wanted to read. I wanted something to reassure me that yes, our hard work would pay off. That my child would walk eventually. That there would be fewer & fewer “Groundhog Days” and Zoe, who is the hardest working child I know, would finally start to reap her harvest of hard work.
But no, that’s not what I got nor what I should’ve expected. I know better. I am learning (as difficult as the lesson is), that I have no control over any of this, and I need to “…rejoice in the Lord, & be joyful in God my savior.” All of these “yet & though there are no” phrases in that scripture remind me again & again that I have to make the  choice again to serve a God I still do not understand nor can figure out…but even if.
I believe the Lord teaches us to live in faith & hope, even in the middle of some of our greatest challenges in life. Raising a child with a disability would probably have to be at the top of my list of “greatest challenges,” but also “sweetest blessings” simultaneously. I am currently reading an awesome book by the author Greg Lucas, called “Wrestling With An Angel: A Story of Love, Disability, & the Lessons of Grace.” It is a fantastic book that has deepened my perspective on so many things. He writes…
“True desperation is always the most fertile ground for God’s grace
to produce an abundant harvest of hope. And each time God
has shown us His greatest glory, He has always revealed
our greatest despair.”
So, for now, we just keep on. What else is there to do? I hold on to the hope & knowledge that my great God has plans for both of my children, more than I could ask or imagine. I pray that He blesses Zoe & allows her hard work to pay off, in one way or another.  His plan might not  probably won’t be my plan.
For now, I will cling to what I know is true, and hold on to these glimpses of future possibilities…
P.S.–Sorry the picture is so small. I am horrible at that stuff. I’m sure John is shaking his head about right now….;)

3 thoughts on “Groundhog Day

  1. Good stuff Hillary! One of my favorite verses. Has gotten me through some very dry, stagnant seasons of my life. God is always faithful to His Word as we keep holding on to Hope. “Faith is the substance of things Hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.” It’s soooo hard to wait for what we do not yet see – but we will. If not here in this life, we WILL see it in Glory! I’m waiting and hoping with you girl! 🙂

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