My Beautiful Mess

All throughout my pregnancy with Zoe, I had moms of children with spina bifida tell me that pregnancy was the worst part. That everything changes once your precious baby is here. Such a hard concept for me to grasp at the time, although I knew how much I loved Faith the minute she was born, so why should Zoe be any different?

One of the hardest things I think I’ve ever done is get through that pregnancy. To focus on my baby, not a diagnosis.

Not spina bifida.

I had to realize some things are completely out of my control, and that I need to come to terms with the phrase, “wait & see.”

Since Zoe’s birth, so  much has changed. Spina bifida is no longer the defining thing about Zoe. It is a part of her, but not who she is. She’s our daughter. Faith’s little sister. She loves to be held & has gotten pretty good at busting out of a swaddle wrap. She loves baths, staring at bright lights, and already hates having her diaper changed. She’s thrived despite two surgeries at such an early age.

And our family is stronger for having had her.

I think a lot of people dream of living the stereotypical American dream. Spouse, two kids, picture-perfect house, cushy job. No one ever dreams of the “alternative.”

I am learning no one lives the “dream.” Most days my house feels like a mess, my kids throw tantrums at the grocery store, my dog annoys our visitors. Often it feels like our schedule is overloaded with workdays, church responsibilities, doctors’ appointments, etc. Sometimes it’s weird for me to think my daughter has spina bifida, because otherwise she’s a typical baby.

So I’ve decided that my life, like probably most everyone else’s, can sometimes feel like a mess. Questions unanswered, days filled with chaos, so much “wait & see.” Not your stereotypical American dream.

But I love my beautiful mess. It’s exactly what I want & need. And I wouldn’t trade it or change it for anything in this world 🙂

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