Every day we enter through the NICU doors, I hold my breath.
I wait until I see there is no flurry of activity around Zoe’s room, and then I breathe.
Maybe it’s just my experience working in critical care as a nurse, but I hate coming in to see doctors & nurses hurrying & alarms buzzing, because I’m afraid it’s my child. I was a nervous wreck calling at night to check on Zoe until I realized the nurse would call me if something were wrong.
I feel as though I’ve hopped onto some sort of emotional rollercoaster, and each morning I climb uphill as we start off the day, get good reports, & spend some great time with our baby girl. But that coaster starts to drop off as evening approaches, after seeing tons (NICU currently has 70+ babies as in-patients) of babies, most of whom are a lot sicker than Zoe. Some of those babies have been there 6+ months. My heart breaks for those parents, many of whom have never had the chance to hold their baby. I held Zoe the day after her birth. John held her the day she was born.
It was such an odd feeling for John & I, to pass by the “normal” newborn nursery, knowing those babies would go home in 2-3 days and ours wouldn’t. Yet, as we entered NICU, we almost felt guilty as we realized Zoe was the youngest baby in her pod, yet also the biggest & she would probably go home before any of the others. I guess we’re sort of stuck in the middle somewhere, but for that I am thankful.
I’ve learned so much from my time here. I’ve learned to pray every morning before we head to the hospital for the Lord’s protection over our baby girl & strength for our family. I’ve learned sometimes I have no choice other than to accept help from others, even though I want to do things myself. I’ve learned to not waste my time looking too far ahead of myself at things I have no control over.
I’ve learned being split between my two girls feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’ve learned God remains present & good in the middle of fuzzy, chaotic circumstances we wouldn’t have chosen otherwise but to which I’ve become very thankful for.
I hope to post lots of pictures soon & I wish I’d been able to blog more about our NICU experience. Until then, thank you all for covering our family with your prayers. I know there are more people (in other countries besides the U.S. even!) who have been praying us through this. We are truly thankful & blessed!
Here’s my favorite pic so far of Zoe (my first time holding her!)…
“The Lord has done great things for us, & we are filled with joy.” -Psalm 126:3