hittin’ the pause button…

Today was one of those days where I had about a million things that needed done, and I could’ve used more like 48 hours instead of 24 to do it all in. One of those days where all the stoplights turn red right before you get to them. Where every possible delay and inconvenience that you don’t want to happen…happens.

I came home tonight with a to-do list. If you know me at all, you’d know I do NOT like that. I like to multi-task. I like to get things done. Crazy as it sounds, I thrive on having a list of things to do, & the satisfaction that comes from knowing you took care of it.

I came home tonight feeling defeated. Overwhelmed. Unproductive.

My plan was to occupy the girls, and get the things done I needed to do. As I was pulling in the lot, though, I thought about the many patients I have seen during my career who are at opposite ends of life as me. Who, when I’ve shown them pictures of my girls, say, “honey, you better enjoy it now, because it goes way too fast.” The people I’ve met and taken care of who have told me their biggest regret in life was that they didn’t spend enough time with their family.

I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to come home to my ladies frazzled by all the things I still need to do. I don’t want the things that involve them–dinner, baths, bed–to be things that I dread doing or stress over. Because all too soon I will be on the opposite end of life, & I do NOT want to be that person telling some 30-something woman taking care of me that I wished I’d spent more time doing the things that count.

So…we left the house a mess. Left things undone. We ran. We sang silly songs. We pondered the mysteries of life (from a four year old perspective ) such as why does your heart stay inside your body, and how does it grow big enough to love so many people at one time?

We played in dirt. We stood on tree stumps. We collected sticks and brought a few back home.

It.Was.Perfect.

Afterward, we decided that we’d found a cool new spot for picnics this summer, and we splurged on fast food for dinner. It was exactly how I needed to end the day, and it brought perspective back to what really matters.

“I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil–this is the gift of God.” –Ecclesiastes 3: 12-13

 

around the curve

This week began a whole new chapter for me. A new job. Prior to this, I had not had a new position since graduating nurse practitioner school. I have been pretty pumped about this opportunity, one that will offer me flexibility with the girls’ schedules, opportunity for professional growth, and the ability to be able to make a significant difference in the lives of patients who may not otherwise be able to receive adequate healthcare.

So Sunday night I arrived, & got ready for the week. It has been AWESOME so far & I am thankful for the leap of faith I took in accepting this position, because it is a totally new avenue for me.

This week has also been a week of rest for me personally. A chance to catch my breath.

Prior to this week, things had been chaotic trying to get the girls settled, make an apartment feel like home, finalize house plans, & arrange therapies for the little one because she’s doing so well & I don’t want to lose ground on her progress. So although I miss my ladies terribly, I was more than ready for a short respite.

Monday I ventured out to perhaps THE best park I’ve been to in quite a while. No, I didn’t go see the playgrounds, nor do I know if they even have one. But what I DO know is that park is the place you want to run. I have since been there twice, & tomorrow night will be my third trip. If only I could scoop that park up & stick in somewhere in Lexington

Monday night I had no idea where anything was, so I parked my car, and took off. I noticed cars driving one way on the side of the road, and runners, bikers, walkers, etc., on the other. It made me nervous, though, because the scenic loop this park offers goes up and down some hills, with some pretty sharp curves, and you can’t really see what’s coming around the curve.

So I ran, and ran, and ran. My best run ever. Pretty darn proud of myself. There is something so relaxing about running. I’ve NEVER been a runner. In fact, I used to joke about how I’d never run. After John & I began the divorce process, I ran one day. I just did it. And something about it struck a chord in me that’s never left. I have since done three 5K races, and soon to be a fourth. I’m not really good, but that’s only if you compare me to another. I only compete with myself

So Monday night, I kept weaving to the side on that curvy road, afraid a car would come flying around the corner that I couldn’t see coming. It wasn’t until I was on my way back to my vehicle that I realized it was a one way road No wonder there were no cars coming on my side.

I am realizing that life is a lot like that. We run, trying to keep a steady pace, pushing ourselves. Only sometimes we come upon curves, and we can’t see around to the other side. We get scared. We try to move over, to help see around the curve, just.in.case. Maybe there’s some kind of hurt, some kind of loss, something painful, that WE can avoid in our own power, if only we can see around the curve. We try to remain in control of things, rather than trusting the one who put us on that road in the first place–to remember that HE is already on the other side of those curves, and sometimes He knows it’s a one way street, and that we are ok. If only we will just trust him.

I ran across this passage in one of my devotional books the other day…and thought it was perfect.

If God loves us, why does He seemingly withhold His blessings, especially when we’re weak or vulnerable? That question has no easy answer. After all, none of us can understand why God does the things He does. But, I’m convinced that the things we sometimes see as senseless suffering are often blessings in disguise.

God sees the entire landscape of our lives from an eternal perspective, and He knows, far better than we ever could, the value of His grace. God loves us intimately & individually. He loves us too much to offer us lesser gifts, gifts that might somehow distance our hearts from Him.

I try to remind myself now, that just because circumstances look crazy, or situations are discouraging, simply means I cannot yet see around the curve. But I know who is on the other side, and He loves us too much to offer us less than the best. And I think this part of the journey can be exciting if we will allow it to be. How freeing that we can rest and relax, knowing that we don’t HAVE to have all the answers, or see around all the curves, we just have to follow the one who does!

 

Moving. New job. Building a house. Starting over again at 31 as a single woman & momma. Throw in all that goes with having Spina Bifida as a little addition to our family & it’s enough to make your head spin.

In the middle of this chaotic transition, I have found it very easy to feel overwhelmed with everything that needs done. If you picked any one of those changes alone there is potential for it to become overwhelming. At night, when I am thinking things over to myself, sometimes it can just feel heavy.

My go-to Scripture verse during this season of our lives has been from Psalm 61:2.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

And…at the end of the day, when I see quite possibly the world’s sweetest little ladies, I know that our great God will continue to supply our needs, & prepare the way for us.

He is good, ya’ll!

here comes chapter two!

It’s Monday. And raining. As if that weren’t a bad enough combo, it’s also the day I have to finish up packing up this house. It is eerily quiet here with the girls back in Lexington. And I don’t feel very motivated to finish packing up eight years’ worth of stuff into cardboard boxes just to haul off and unpack again.

It’s time to close out this chapter. On so many levels. Not just my job, but my marriage, my girls’ infant years, my perspective. This is the last night I will spend in this house. Faith & Zoe will never remember this house. They won’t remember that there are crayon marks & Dora stickers on Faith’s headboard. They won’t remember the long hours we sat in the floor of the family room with Zoe’s therapists–helping her grow strong enough to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, & now finally–after 2 1/2 years–work on walking. Faith won’t remember the day we brought her home & our dog Murphy licking all over her face. The nights I rocked her in the rocking chair, crying because we’d gotten a diagnosis of Spina Bifida for Zoe & I had no idea what it meant for our future–& for Faith.

Now–it is chapter two. No longer is Spina Bifida a big deal to me. No longer do I fret over crayon marks & stickers. After all–that’s better than digging silly putty out of the carpet, right? Or worse–hair

Now–my big deals feel bigger. Overwhelmingly bigger at times. I know I serve a God who does big things. Unimaginable things. Can make beautiful things from dust. But sometimes it’s hard to not think that some things my heart desires are just a little TOO big. It’s hard to not have that proverbial crystal ball.

I know a time will come when, just like I do now, I look BACK. And I’m not staring forward into the unknown with fear. When chapter two becomes as clear as chapter one is now. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I realize that. And I know I can’t skip chapters because then you get lost & miss out on some good stuff along the way. But sometimes it sure would be nice to have a spoiler alert

’cause everyone needs a day off!

What do you do when your plans for the day get cancelled unexpectedly?

You go to the park

This morning I had scheduled Zoe some consults with Cardinal Hill to get set up for her physical therapy & such. Those of you who know me, know I am a planner & so I have had things arranged for some time to get the girls’ pediatrician appointments, new therapists, etc. I can plan & schedule like a boss

Yesterday evening I got a phone call that the appointments today had to be cancelled, and so we will get that done on another day.

So we headed out (ya’ll know I can’t just sit around the house all day )

We wasted gas learned our way around town, ate whole containers of raspberries & blackberries, talked about My Little Ponies, walked a mile at the park, got lost in a wooden maze jungle gym that was way too small for anyone over the age of 8, quacked at the ducks, and came home.

It was perfect.

These are the days I crave. Sometimes it’s good to have a last minute change of plans.

all things new…

I hate moving. I seriously think I would rather have a root canal than pack, load, haul & unpack ever again. At least all that loading & lifting is a decent workout

If I have ever been tempted to consume energy drinks (which I can’t really say I have!), the time would be now. In addition to getting the girls & myself moved and settled into our new apartment, I have been busy wrapping up things at my current job, while at the same time completing the mountains of credentialing paperwork required for my next. Thankfully, I can finally see a light at the end of this crazy tunnel, and so onward we go. I have to admit, with each day that passes I am becoming more and more excited about this new journey I have found myself on.

The big move into the apartment went well. I believe when life really gets crazy, you truly find out who your support system is. I am thankful mine apparently is much larger than I ever imagined. The outpouring of support, prayers, & babysitting offers has been tremendous during our transition. It makes it so much easier on the harder days–when all the packing, moving, seeing empty closets and thinking of old memories seems to weigh heavy. To log into facebook (seriously–what did we EVER do without social media ) and see encouragement from friends–some halfway across the world, and family is truly amazing.

My family (which–I am pretty sure I have the BEST btw), all pitched in and helped me get moved. We got it accomplished in only a matter of hours. Nana & Papaw very graciously have kept the girls so many evenings for me so that I can unpack, organize, and my favorite–decorate. Our new place is feeling like home–even if it is only temporary.

Speaking of temporary–I AM excited about one more move coming up in the fall. The move into our new house! The ground has been broken, and the footers are about to be laid. My apologies to all my Pinterest friends who may have recently built homes–I am probably stalking your pages & stealing your ideas

I have had several inquires about my house plan so I thought I’d share. I chose to build a friend’s home that I LOVE. It is beautiful! It is a good size home–about 2500 square feet. Everything in the house is mainly on the first floor. My master bed/bath, girls’ bedrooms (they each will have their own), the girls’ bathroom (a jack -n- jill type bath), living room, formal dining, breakfast room, laundry, and….my glorious kitchen. Oh I cannot wait to get into this kitchen. Everything will be accessible for Zoe–just in case. Whether she’s a walker or a wheeler, this will be HER home also and so she should know no limits in it. I have widened doorways, am having hardwood throughout, minimizing the thresholds, changed out the girls’ bath to a walk-in shower, and rearranged the placement of a few doorways to help minimize twists and turns in the layout.

One thing I debated on for some time, is what to do with all the space above the garage. The original plan calls for another full bed/bath upstairs. Of course, at Zoe’s age of two, it is impossible to know what her limits will be. At this point, she LOVES nothing more than to try climbing up the stairs to chase after Faith. I finally decided to go ahead and add the extra bedroom to the upstairs. Otherwise, I would have had no extra guest bed/bath, & who knows what the future will hold. Besides, having a set of stairs in our house will be good PT for Zoe,  but at least everything else will be downstairs. We made a trip out there today to check on the progress. Won’t be long till footers & foundation are in, and then we will get to watch the frame go up!

My littlest lady–always ready for a photo op

It’s impossible to get both girls to smile at the same time–so I don’t even try. I just take the picture

Lately, I have been thinking about time. How it has taken time and been a process just to get to the point I am at now. It will take time to build my house. Get settled. I am thankful I serve a God who makes all things new–in time.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness & streams in the wasteland.”….Isaiah 43:19

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”…Ecclesiastes 3:10-12

I am excited to see where my little family is in time. Three months, six months, a year, or five. I pray that even now God will make things new, and begin a great work that I could not even fathom at this moment.

Onward we go!

 

 

Bittersweet

As you can see from the changes on my blog, my life is currently in major transition mode. I won’t lie–it has been (& still is!) THE hardest transition I have ever been in. There has been so much change in my life that I have considered just shutting down my blog altogether. When I really think about that, though, I cannot bring myself to do it. After all, one day my little ladies may want to read about these times, how I felt, what I thought. It is all documented here for them. From even before they were born.

So the blog stays. Just with a new look. Sort of like my life right now.

I am reading a truly amazing book called “Bittersweet” by the author Shauna Niequist. I would highly recommend this book! And the author..she’s written some good ones

I have been highlighting like crazy as I read, and a few of her quotes have truly struck a chord with me, so much that they have sort of changed my perspective on all of this life change I am going through. I’ll close out today, not with a lot of personal detail yet, but more so with these amazing thoughts… 

“Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.”

“…when life is sweet, say thank you & celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you & grow.”